Learning to live — and eat — in the messy middle
When Jerry and I got married in October 2013, I had been logging my calories and exercise on MyFitnessPal for 22 months straight — day in and day out — after starting my fitness journey in January 2012. By the time our wedding rolled around, I had been nearly flawless in my tracking and exercise for almost two years. Unless it was our weekly cheat meal, not a morsel passed my lips unlogged and unaccounted for. I was perfect in my logging and had lost 118 pounds because of it.
Then came the wedding, and things just got crazy. The week before, family arrived in town, and it was non-stop celebrating and catching up — meals at our favorite restaurants, frozen custard at the beach. Our rehearsal dinner was at our favorite Italian spot, full of rich, decadent foods, topped off with a cookie cake loaded in frosting. At the actual reception, I was so anxious and excited that I barely ate — a first for this foodie. We served prime rib (Jerry’s favorite), fettuccine alfredo (my favorite), and a full spread of Italian dishes. Our dessert buffet was to die for, but our guests got to it before we could. We ended up with just cupcakes and brownies — still delicious, but we’re still bitter about missing the cake balls, Oreo truffles, chocolate-covered strawberries, mini cheesecakes, and more.
Then we woke up the next morning, and it was honeymoon cruise time! We started the day with leftover cupcakes and cookie cake and spent the next seven days eating everything in sight. Anyone who’s been on a cruise knows: the food is the best part. Buffets, dining rooms, room service, poolside ice cream — endless options. For two foodies who’d been incredibly strict for two years, it was heaven.
We told ourselves we’d get right back to our routine the day we got home. We were even looking forward to it — after all the gorging, we were ready. But once we got home, we found that getting back on track after two weeks off wasn’t so simple.
I don’t regret what we did. You only get married and honeymoon once, and I’m glad we lived it up. But it hasn’t been easy since.
I wouldn’t say we’ve fallen completely off the wagon. It’s more like we’re clinging to the side, hanging half on and half off. After we got home, it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then both of our birthdays in January. We’ve basically been in celebration mode since October, and that hasn’t helped.
The first step is admitting we have a problem. We’re struggling — and I know why. Before October, we were strict to the point of pain. That worked for weight loss, but we weren’t always successful in other areas. We often turned down dinner invites or parties just to avoid food temptations. We stayed home and ate healthier, but we also isolated ourselves. That’s not how I want to live.
Now, we go to the parties — and we can’t fight the temptations. We need a middle ground. We need to be strict enough to stay healthy but flexible enough to live our lives. And finding that balance has been a major struggle.
I want a normal relationship with food, but I just don’t have one. I’ve been successful because of willpower — not because I’ve healed anything. I want to eat a meal without logging it… but when I don’t log, I usually lose control. I eat more than I should. It’s hard to admit, but it’s true. I thought that after so long, logging would help me build a healthier relationship with food. And maybe it has — a little. But when I stop tracking, I fall apart. I think I’m going to have to be a lifetime food logger. I need that accountability to stay on track, and honestly? That’s frustrating.
I also need to get better about exercise. I used to hit the gym seven days a week, sometimes for two hours a day. That worked in the beginning, but it wasn’t sustainable or even healthy long-term. Now, I aim for 3–4 days a week, which feels reasonable. I still go — but I don’t have the same motivation I used to. I make myself do it, but I wish I wanted to again. I think the winter weather hasn’t helped. I haven’t been running outside because it’s slippery and gross, and I miss that drive. I’m hoping spring will help bring it back. I’m looking forward to warmer days and training for races again.
Our celebrations are done now, but we’re still fighting the food and fitness battle. I used to log like a robot — never skipping, never missing a meal. Now? It’s rare I don’t slip up. Right now, I’m taking it day by day. When I have a good day — I log my food and stay within my calorie limit — that’s a victory. A small one, but still a win.
Honestly, I’m just sick of starting over. We keep saying, “We’ll be bad today, but back on the wagon tomorrow!” And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of starting over. But I’m also tired of being so hard on myself. I still haven’t found balance with food, despite more than two years of weight loss success.
Thankfully, I’ve only regained about six pounds of my 118-pound loss. I’m trying desperately to re-lose those six… plus the last 20 I never quite reached. I keep losing a few, then gaining them back. I’ve been hovering around that “plus six” mark for a while.
I’ve read the stats: most people who lose significant weight gain it all back. And yeah — some days, that terrifies me. Some days, I wonder if I’ll be one of them.
But I’ve come too far to go back now.
I'll always be a work in progress.
But for once, I like who I am becoming.
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