A Story of Who I Was, Who I Became, and Who I’m Still Becoming
I often view my life in terms of “befores and afters.”
There have been a lot of big changes — and a lot of defining moments — that have shaped who I am and changed everything I thought I knew.
Before I lost the weight, and after.
Before, I was unhappy. There was a lot of self-loathing. I always thought my “real life” would finally begin after I lost the weight. That I’d be confident. That I’d find love. That people would finally see me for who I really was, not just what I looked like.
And honestly? Afterward, some of that did come true. I became happier. People treated me differently. I felt more comfortable in my skin. But I also came to realize that I’d already been living my real life — it just didn’t look the way I wanted it to. I had always been me. I had always been alive. I just didn’t always feel seen.
Before we bought our home, and after.
Before, Jerry and I believed that our “real life” would start once we moved out of my parents’ house and into a place of our own. (Yes, again with the “real life” theme — funny how it keeps showing up. I guess when you want something badly, you always imagine it’ll change everything.)
After, we realized what it really meant to be adults: responsibilities, bills, decisions, pressure. And we sometimes missed the “before,” when life was simpler and we were just two engaged kids dreaming big without any real worries. But the after? It’s been worth it. I’ve grown up a lot. I’ve become invested in my finances, savings, debt payments — all that very real, very adult stuff. Sure, we often feel broke now, but we’re building something. Even if it sometimes feels like we’re just playing grown-up, we’re doing it together.
And then there’s the biggest one of all: before Jerry, and after.
Though we’ve only known each other a few years, everything before him feels like a blur. Of course, I was living — I was in grad school, just beginning my weight loss journey. I was doing things. But I still considered myself a girl in progress. (No really — my Twitter bio even said that back in the day.)
Before Jerry, I was unsettled. Unsure. Trying to figure things out without any real clue where I was going.
Then he came into my life… and the “after” began.
Now, I want to be clear — I don’t think you need a relationship to feel complete or fulfilled. But for me, he became the piece I didn’t know I was waiting for. He gave shape to a future I used to wonder if I’d ever find: marriage, a house, settling down, building a family of my own.
Could those things have happened without him? Maybe. But I’m glad I don’t have to find out. I’m glad I found my soulmate 3,000 miles away, and that he came here to build this life with me — my biggest before and after of all.
And now, together, we’re on the cusp of the next one: parenthood.
This is the scariest, most exciting, most transformative “after” we’ll ever know.
As much as my life has changed through all those previous befores and afters, I know Caleb will come into this world and change it all again. And just like all the others, I’m scared. I’m unsure. But we’ll do this together. And one day, I think we’ll look back and say, “Remember before? Before we were parents?”
Things were simpler, yes. But this? This will be worth it.
Because that’s the truth behind all the “afters” — they’ve always been worth it.
Every time.
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