I am not the same person I was before I had a baby.
Then again, I’m not the same person I was four years ago, either. That was when I decided to change my life, lose weight, get in shape. Many other changes followed as a result: meeting Jerry, eventually marrying, buying a house.
I’ve learned that from the second you become a mother, your life involves many, many sacrifices. You sacrifice sleep to feed your child. You sacrifice energy to ensure your baby is well taken care of. You sacrifice time to give your child everything you can.
And all of these sacrifices are well worth it. I think it’s something you sign up for when you become a parent.
But somewhere along the way over the last 14 months of motherhood, I’ve lost some of myself.
This year, I’ve read a total of three books. I’ve written a total of seven blog posts. I’ve run zero races and I’ve worked out maybe two times, if that. I’m still up 35 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight and I’m starting to feel those feelings of hating how I look again.
In other words, I spare little time and energy to do the things I am passionate about independent of being a mother.
I know a lot of this is an honest-to-goodness lack of time. I work during the day then take care of the baby in the evening, when Jerry’s at work. Add in the fact that Caleb has become a bedtime monster lately, refusing to sleep until 10 PM most nights, and a mountain of housework… and spare time has suddenly become a hot commodity around here.
Despite the lack of time, I know I need to reclaim some of “me.” I took a small but significant step over the weekend by signing up for my first race in nearly two years. The last race I ran was a festival 5K in 2014 while pregnant with Caleb. I’m running that same race again in May with Jerry. We are completely unprepared at the moment, but felt that this would be the push we needed to get us out and moving again. So I’ll be training for a race again, something that I used to love to do. Running gave me so much confidence and a sense of freedom. I want to feel that again as my feet hit the ground. I want to feel strong, fit, and good about myself like before; I’ll get there.
I know a simple 5K race isn’t much, but I’m getting back into something that once brought me a lot of joy, something I was really passionate about before motherhood. With this re-entry into running, I’m hoping fitness and weight loss will follow. I lost quite a bit of my pregnancy weight, but then I hit a wall and haven’t lost anything else in months.
I know a lot of this might sound negative, but for as much of myself that I’ve lost lately, I’ve found some of myself too. You have a child and suddenly your world lights up. Things that weren’t worth fighting for before suddenly are. Things that weren’t significant or meaningful before suddenly become vital. Beautiful days seem more beautiful. Everything seems more important. While learning to stand up for my son, I’ve also learned to stand up for myself, to say, “hey, what about me?” My son gives me a voice. He gives me strength when I need it most.
So now I’m using that newfound voice to say “what about me?” again. I think it’s time I MAKE time for my passions again. Honestly, I’m sure it will make me a better mother because when you care for yourself, you generally have more strength, confidence, and happiness to spread around. Instead of feeling guilty, I’ll choose to feel empowered.
So here we go!
I’ll see you at the finish line.
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