It rained all weekend and I nearly cried.
It wasn’t the rain that caused it, but the gloom and doom certainly never helps, ya know? Life seems easier, happier when the sun is out. I smile more and think how lucky I am when the sun is shining. When it’s dark for three days straight? Maybe not so much.
Yesterday was one of those days when life just felt overwhelming. Nothing and everything in particular stressed me to the point of near tears twice. Caleb was up with teething pain at 3:30 am for a brief time the night before, then up for the day at 6:30. I rolled out of bed, wondering if I’d ever get any real sleep again.
The bulldog growled at me for ten minutes straight while he waited for food and I was busy with something else. Caleb screamed in my face, shoving a toy on my lap repeatedly. He grunted and pointed and no matter what I did with the damn frog in the box, it never seemed to be what he wanted. He continued to scream. I continued to wonder what in the hell he wanted. I started to lose my patience. I felt like a shit mom. I fed the bulldog. The baby stopped screaming. The near tears subsided for a bit.
Fast forward a couple of hours and Caleb is throwing Cheerios on the floor, one by one, the little darling. A short while later, he is digging in the trash… repeatedly. He decided to rescue an empty crayon box. I decided sometimes all you can do is laugh, and I posted about his antics on Facebook so I wouldn’t cry instead. I laughed when he flung my blow dryer around his head rather than try – for the umpteenth time – to take it away. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Sometimes you really just need to.
Running on very little sleep, it later occurred to me that I had something scheduled after work every single day this week. Every. single. day. The thought of THAT overwhelmed me, though all of these activities are good things: book club, a musical with my aunt, music class for Caleb, and the town Halloween party. I also started to run through the very lengthy list of things I need to do before our vacation in less than two weeks and started wondering when in the hell I would get it all done. While I’m looking forward to all of these things, my fellow introverts will know what’s up: downtime is essential to our well being and downtime is in short supply this week. Ah, well. I’ll do two things instead of stress: one, realize that these are all good things and I’m very fortunate to get to do them all, and two, remind myself repeatedly that all I can do is take things one day and one thing at a time.
Some people ask me how I manage to do it all, being a full time working mom and all that, and I honestly don’t know. You do what you have to do and that’s that, but sometimes I wonder, am I doing it? Am I doing it well? Some days, I don’t even know. I tend to be a very easy-going person for the most part, but once in awhile my anxiety gets the best of me and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders even though it never really is. Sometimes, I just need to give myself permission to not be perfect, to not do it all, to freak the hell out once in awhile.
Today I sat down and I wrote down my schedule for the week in my planner. Seeing it laid out there and knowing that I only have to do one day at a time made me feel a lot better. The feelings of overwhelm began to subside.
The rain finally stopped and the near tears have too. The sun is shining and I am grateful.
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