A small disclaimer before I begin: please note that I realize NOT all working moms are like this and NOT all stay at home moms are like this, nor do they all think these things or feel these things about the other group. These are just general statements from things I’ve seen personally, and no offense is meant to any mom. Yes, I have seen stay at home moms write and say some of the things you will read below, but I KNOW not all of them feel this way nor would they say these things. I am friends with several stay at home moms who I know for a fact would never act this way. This post is speaking about the moms who have said / expressed these kinds of things, and NOT all moms in general. I’ve hesitated to share this because I don’t want anyone to get offended, so please just know that I am aware not everyone has these negative thoughts about working moms. In the end, I decided to publish it because I often struggle as a working mom and I wanted to share my thoughts. Also, I LOVE SWEATPANTS! No offense, mamas. Just wanted to throw that out there. 🙂
There seems to be two distinct groups of mothers: those who work and those who stay at home.
I hate that there’s sometimes tension between the two; that sometimes, the groups look down on one another, believing that their way is the right way and no one else’s.
I hate that us working moms sometimes think things that aren’t true about stay at home moms. I sit at work as a librarian and see the harried stay at home moms rush in with their kids and chaos, while I sit there watching, me in my dress clothes, them in their sweatpants. I see them banding together, almost clique-like in their nature. I hate that they’re here with their kids and I’m here without mine. I sometimes want to shout at them: “hey, I’m a mom too, ya know!”
I hate that I sometimes judge them, and hate that I’m also a little envious.
I hate that stay at home moms sometimes think things that aren’t true about working moms. I see them on message boards and on Facebook, declaring that you can’t be a full time mom and also work a full time job. I hate that they say they quit their jobs so they wouldn’t miss anything, as if us working moms have no problem missing things at all. I hate when they say they didn’t want someone else raising their kids, as if ours are raised by wild animals. When I’m at work, my son is with my husband who works nights, and my mom when we’re both at work. Either way, I am still raising my son. I make the major decisions regarding his life, even if I’m not there all day, every day.
I hate that they sometimes judge us, and hate that some of them think we don’t love our kids in the same way.
What I really want to say is… some moms have to work. Some moms have no choice. It is truly a luxury if you get to stay home, and one that many of us cannot afford. It doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids the same. It doesn’t mean we don’t know our kids the best. It doesn’t mean we aren’t full time moms, because we are.
Even when I’m at work, I am still a mom. I never stop being a mom. I never stop thinking about my son, or worrying about my son, or texting my husband or mom for updates and pictures throughout the day. I make phone calls on my lunch breaks if he needs to see the see doctor, I FaceTime him to find out what he had to eat and just to say hi. I am always, always a mom. No one should ever doubt that. I work because I have to, in order to take care of my son and our family. We need to be dual-income, and I’ve never had a choice. It’s just always the way things were going to be and the way they have been and I knew this going into motherhood. I knew I’d return to work because I had to.
It’s true that some moms have to work, but some moms WANT to work. I happen to be both.
If I’m being honest, some days work just feels like work — if I’m having a bad day or dealing with a difficult issue — but most days, work feels fulfilling. While being a mother is the most fulfilling thing in my life, my work is fulfilling in a different way. It’s something that fulfills me independent from anyone else. It’s something that I do on my own that makes me proud. My career is something I worked hard for, a part of my identity, something I would never willingly give up on if I didn’t have to.
I’ve always felt that it was important for me to retain my own sense of identity, even after getting married and becoming a parent. I remind myself that one day, my kids won’t need me in the same way they do now. That one day, they will move away and I will still need to feel fulfilled even after they leave. I knew that if I gave everything up (my career, my friendships) that they might not be there for me anymore when my kids were older. So I find fulfillment in things other than just my children. Though they fulfill me the most, I am also fulfilled by my career, by my friendships, by my creative pursuits like writing and reading. I work not only because I have to, but also because I want to.
Some days are hard. Heck, MOST days are hard. Sometimes I find myself bitter and jealous that I CAN’T be home with my kids. But sometimes, more often than not, I feel grateful to have a career that I love, where I can be creative, where I can grow and thrive and impact my community. Where I learn every day and teach every day. True, it means that I have to cram a million things into one day and that after a full day of work, I also have a full day of parenting and housework awaiting me at home. It’s stressful and crazy and hectic, but it’s my life and it’s where I am right now. I wouldn’t change it, even if I could.
I think it’s important that as mothers, we stop jumping to conclusions. We stop thinking our way is the only right way. We stop judging each other for our decisions. I myself am a work in progress. Every day, I have to remind myself that as mothers, we all make our own choices and not everyone’s are the same as mine. I have to remind myself that maybe that stay at home mom over there wants to be at work but can’t be. That maybe that stay at home mom feels totally fulfilled in her role as a mother. That maybe that stay at home mom isn’t looking down on me, so I shouldn’t look down on her.
Just like I have to work and want to work, maybe those moms have to stay at home or simply want to. I’m not wrong, and neither are they. We all do the best we can for our children, and that’s the only thing that really matters. When it comes down to it, I think all moms have the same goals, dreams, fears, and love for their children. We all show it and do it in different ways, but the end goal is the same. Instead of banding together as different KINDS of moms, let’s just all band together as moms, because in some ways (the most important ways)… we are one and the same.
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