Christmas has begun to look different lately.
Growing up, I always knew what to expect for the holidays. Christmas Eve was always spent at home. We had a big party at my parent’s house with both sides of the family. We’d set up a long table in the living room against the wall, and it would quickly be covered with food: stuffed bread, mini hot dogs in barbecue, pepperoni dip, cookies from Grandma. I’d pick at it all night.
The days leading up to Christmas Eve were always a whirlwind. Dad would be cleaning frantically, and we’d almost always get into a fight because I was a stubborn and defiant child, and I hated when he told me to clean. His Christmas Eve cleaning rampage was always a joke amongst the family. At long last, the fighting would end, the house would be miraculously clean, and we’d start anticipating guests around 5. I’d always try to guess who would be the first to arrive, and it was usually Papa with some kind of unappealing Italian appetizer, like calamari. He’d sit at the kitchen table and ask for beer, his loud laughter reverberating through the house. Soon, others would filter in: aunts, uncles, all of my cousins. Gifts would soon start to crowd the area under the tree and I’d sneak peeks when I could. In more recent years of improved technology, we’d all Facetime my grandma in Florida and track Santa for the little cousins. Before technology was a thing, my cousins and I would instead put on an annual Christmas play for entertainment. (It was not good).
We’d eat the night away, laugh, and finally open presents, the thing us kids had waited all night for. I always went to bed happy, renewed, and with a full belly. Being the introvert that I am who often avoids social situations, this was one of the rare occasions that I’d see my family all together throughout the year and I waited eagerly the other 364 days for it.
Christmas morning meant waking up at dawn with my brother, waking up our parents, then unwrapping stockings and gifts, usually with A Christmas Story playing in the background. After all of that was said and done, we’d have a brunch at our house with a handful of other relatives who didn’t have young ones at home, and therefore had Christmas morning free. Evenings were usually spent having dinner with my dad’s side of the family. And then my Aunt Karin and I started a new tradition a few years back (before I had kids) of going to the movies at night.
Basically, we always knew what we’d be doing, where we’d be doing it, what we’d be eating, and with whom. There were never any questions. These were our traditions, and as someone who hates change and craves routine, I loved the comfort in this from year to year. I’m a nostalgic person and I look back upon these days as some of the best and happiest. Christmas just brings out the nostalgia in me, and I’m realizing that now as I look back upon this similar post from last year. I think that’s one of the best parts of Christmas: the memories, old and new. Ones we look back on fondly, and ones we are still creating.
Things started to change once my brother and I both started having kids and creating families of our own. Our family unit became pretty big with 5 kids between us. Christmas Eve at my parent’s house was no longer, and the location has since changed from year to year: one year at this aunt’s house, one year at another’s. Nothing was the same. We decided in December where it would be, who would bring what. Last year, I wanted to try and start some new traditions with the family by bringing some fun games along.
This year, things will be different again. Family rifts that occurred throughout the year, and our ever expanding families, leads to another year of uncertainty. Of starting new traditions again, of seeing what will stick.
In November, I began asking my parents and brother what we’d be doing this year. No one really knew. We finally set some plans into motion just last week. This year, Christmas Eve will be much smaller than usual. Just my family and my brother’s family, back at my parent’s house once more. We’ve created an extensive list of appetizers and desserts that we’ll all be kicking in, and many requests from me for old time’s sake, because of my love for nostalgia (mini wieners in BBQ, Mom! And your pepperoni dip! I used to eat the leftovers on Christmas night!).
At nearly 5, Caleb is old enough this year to finally really grasp what Christmas is and who Santa is. He’s EXCITED! He’s JOYFUL! He’s at that age where he might actually start retaining memories going forward. I want Christmas to be magical for him and Holden. I want them, when they are 30 (like me), to look back at our holiday season and smile and reminisce like I do. I want them to have their favorite Christmas snacks that they eat every year. I want them to have certainty and comfort in traditions, to know what they have to look forward to each and every Christmas. Now that I have my own little family, I want so badly to give them fond memories, for them to know that we’re going to do the same thing from year to year.
I’ve started tossing around ideas — in my head, with Jerry, with my parents — about things we can start doing annually. One idea I proposed to Jerry would be to give the boys each a new Christmas book every year on Christmas Eve. We would read them together, dress them in their Christmas PJs, and watch a Christmas movie with hot cocoa. Then I saw that a local farm does a live nativity walk through all winter, ending at midnight on Christmas Eve. Perhaps we could all drive out there and do that after our festivities at my parent’s house? Heck, I even threw out the idea that in a couple of years, we could start going on an annual Christmas Cruise! My grandma could even join us, since we’ll fly down there to Florida to take the cruise. I hosted a cookie exchange this year that I hope to make an annual event. We’re taking the kids Monday night to a town event called Christmas Under the Stars. Will any of these become the “winners?” The events we repeat year after year, and look forward to for months in advance? Will the kids remember these things, looking back fondly, the way I’m doing now?
Jerry and I started our own married tradition three years ago of attending Yuletide in the Country every December. The first year we went, we didn’t even know what we were starting, but three years later, and it’s officially a tradition… OUR tradition. I look forward to the kids being old enough to come with us. Maybe that’s a start? Maybe in the moment this year, we’ll be starting traditions without even realizing it.
This is the time of year for memories and nostalgia, so I am desperately seeking tradition. Saying goodbye to the old ones and creating new ones feels scary and big and sad, but maybe someday they’ll be better than the old. Maybe someday, my boys will look back like I do every year, and reminisce about Christmases past, and enjoying the new traditions we’ve created as a family of our own. My parents, aunts, uncles all created this Christmas magic for us when we were kids, and now I’m the one who has to create the magic and the memories for kids of my own. I’m still working out the kinks, still learning to be the parent who makes the magic, but I know we’ll find our footing and traditions of our own.
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