For the last week or so, Caleb’s been pretty sick. He caught my cold last week which then turned into a fever. He hasn’t been himself at all… no eating, no sleeping, totally miserable… not my happy man at all. Our household has been shaken up completely. If baby ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, right?
It’s been brutal to watch. He’d be crying as the sun went down, crying as the sun came up, and crying all the hours in between. Fits of sleep in ten minute bursts have filled our nights and I’ve found myself reverting to newborn mode which, frankly… isn’t all that good. I wasn’t really me when I was learning to be a mother and adjusting to life on little to no sleep. I found myself angry, unreasonable, muttering and shouting things in the night that I’d later come to regret because we all know it’s easier to see things clearer in the light of day.
Caleb finally seems to be on the mend a bit. He ate a bit more today, cried a bit less. I’m hoping for a bit more sleep tonight, but it’s going to be hit or miss. Spending whole nights awake with my baby again has been rough but I’m also making all these realizations too; call it “perspective,” if you will.
In the moments that I lie awake, 3 AM glaring at me from my phone, delirium setting in with a baby shrieking in my ear… I am quite certain I will never sleep again. “This is it,” I think. “I will never, ever have a full night’s sleep for the rest of my life.” I shake in frustration. I want to cry alongside my baby, his new white teeth so big and bright in the moonlight. He will not stop wailing. I cannot stop screaming. This moment feels like it will go on forever. It feels like the night will never end.
And yet it does. Morning always comes, no matter how far off it seems. I drag myself out of the bed and into the shower. I whisper that I’m sorry. I should have known it was only a moment. I should have known life would seem normal again when a new day started.
We will have many more difficult nights and weeks in the years to come. Parenthood is a constant struggle but it’s the hard things that are the best and most rewarding in life. I sit here and write this and it’s 10:00 at night. Caleb’s been in my bed this week, but only because he’s sick. As I glanced at him just now (wide awake and way past his bedtime), he grinned at me, like maybe he knew I was writing about him, or at least thinking about him. Even though I was frustrated just a minute ago that he’s refusing to sleep again, I’m starting to think it doesn’t really matter. This is just another one of those moments that will pass faster than I can say, one of those moments I’ll wish to have back someday when we’re all older and we’re through the hardest parts.
Tomorrow, this won’t matter at all. In ten years, these rough nights that seem like they’ll never end will hardly be a flicker in my mind. I think the only thing I’ll remember, and the only part that will truly matter, is the smile my baby just flashed at me, like he’s just happy to be here with me in this moment.
While I’m going through it, I feel like I’ll remember the lack of sleep, the frustration… but really I think all I’ll remember is holding him close because he wanted comfort and he needed his mom. I think I’ll remember him falling asleep in my arms, me afraid to move and set off another set of screams. I think I’ll remember him grinning at me as I laugh and tell him, “I love you.”
Some moments seem like they’ll never end, but some moments make life worth living. I think someday I’ll miss these moments… all of them, screams and all.
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