Today is my birthday, and while it always feels self-indulgent and silly to blog about my birthday, today’s the big one: a whole new decade.
Like many before me, I used to think that 30 meant REAL adulthood.
20s were for growing and learning and figuring out who you were. 20s were for getting your shit together, then keeping it together in your 30s.
30 was old. 30 was grown up. 30 should have their finances in order. 30 should be mature. 30 should know everything. 30 should be wise.
And now all I can do is laugh.
In my 20s, I felt simultaneously young and old. I felt young because it was college, and grad school, and starting off in my career. I felt old because it was marriage, and house buying, and becoming a mom. (It was also going to bed at 9). I felt young because my mom gave me advice, taught me how to care for my babies, and bailed me out on many occasions. I felt old because I wasn’t partying (like you’re “supposed to” in your 20s), I was paying a mortgage, starting work full time, getting health insurance, and oh yeah… having said babies.
My 20s were a hell of a time. I did all the growing and learning I mentioned above. I started this blog (2009!). I graduated college. I graduated GRAD school. I started as a part time, 12 hour a week employee at the library at 21, had 3 promotions, and landed as a full time librarian. I took up running, lost 100 pounds, “found” myself because of it… whatever that means. I got a tattoo. I met Jerry at 23. I married him at 24. We bought our house at 25. Had Caleb at 26. Had Holden at 29. Took two cruises. Stood up in several weddings. Bought my Jeep. Did a lot of cool things and a ton of growing and growing up. I transformed from a very shy, very timid teenager to who I am now… whoever that is (much less shy, much less timid).
I feel like I know myself better than I did at 20. Of course I do. I’ve developed new passions, kept some old ones (reading, writing). I know what makes me tick and I’m not painfully shy anymore (though I AM still awkward). I’m comfortable in my career, happy in my home life, enjoy being a wife and mom. We have retirement accounts, are making progress on re-paying my student loans, and are even starting to make vague plans to sell our first house and buy a larger “forever” home in a few years. Those things all feel adult. Those things all feel 30.
But I also don’t feel 30. My mom still gives me advice. My parents still bail us out when we really need it. I thought we’d have a hell of a lot more money and a hell of a lot less debt at 30, but we don’t.
It’s all a massive contradiction.
I guess I realize that a number is just a number. A flip doesn’t switch when you turn 30. It’s okay to still feel a little “messy.” It’s okay to still hate your weight, have less money than you want to, still need your parents and grandma and all that jazz. Now that I’m 30, I’m realizing that I’m STILL learning, still growing, still figuring myself out. Maybe it never stops.
Maybe it’s never supposed to.
Maybe when I’m 40, I’ll feel more put together, less messy. Maybe then I’ll feel like a real adult, instead of this counterfeit version that I feel like I am now. Maybe we’ll be in our forever home, be debt free, be skinny and fit. Maybe I won’t be asking my mom for advice. Maybe I’ll BE the one giving advice to my own kids. Maybe I’ll be more confident. Maybe I’ll have found myself completely. Maybe I’ll finally have and be all the things that 20 year old me thought I’d have and be when I turned 30.
But maybe I won’t.
I’ll still be asking my mom for advice, while simultaneously dishing out my own to my baby boys (who won’t be babies anymore).
I’ll still be learning, growing, reading. I’ll still be evolving and changing. THAT’S what I’ve realized the most, now that I’m 30; it’s my biggest revelation of all. None of that stuff ever really stops. You discover new things every day. You discover YOURSELF every day. Find new interests, new hobbies, new passions, while keeping some of the old. You find yourself again and again. That’s what life is. It’s ever changing, and so are we.
At the core, I know what I love and what makes me ME. I’ve gained confidence over the years, and define myself in several ways: a mom, a wife, a librarian. A reader, a writer, an introvert. Stubborn. Funny. Silly, but serious. Those things are part of who I am, but I also know I’m still evolving all the time (my ever changing “About Me” page is a testament to that fact!). You can find yourself in some ways, but still be searching in other ways. Will I be able to lose this weight again, and will it change my perception of ME like it did the first time? Will I finally get that old farmhouse out in the country I’ve been dreaming about for my family, and will it give me the peace and fulfillment I’ve always thought it would? Will we gain true financial freedom and will it feel as good as I’ve always imagined? Though I’ve gained confidence throughout my 20s, I could still use a lot more… will I have it at 40? Will I ever?
See? Still searching…
I thought I’d have FOUND myself by the time I was 30, but the truth is… I’m finding myself all the time.
And at 30… I’m starting to like who that is.
So here’s to 30. Here’s to who I am now, and who I WILL be in the future. Here’s to a new decade, another ten years of growing, learning, changing, and STILL finding who I am.
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