Learning to dress the body I have — not the one I was waiting for
Something’s shifted.
Lately, I’ve started dressing like I actually exist — like this body deserves to be seen, not hidden.
Weight has been a lifelong struggle for me, and even after losing as much weight as I did, I know it will continue to be a struggle throughout my life.
Over the last five years, my weight has been UP UP UP (270 pounds in 2012 – yikes) and DOWN DOWN DOWN (152 in 2013). It has been up, down, and all around, skyrocketing again with my pregnancy, and now settling somewhere in the middle of my highest and my lowest.
Some days, I like what I see in the mirror. I think, “I’m down 70 pounds still. I should be proud. Curves are okay. Curves are good.”
Some days, I hate it. I think, “You are up 50 pounds from your lowest weight. You’re looking awfully round again. Better put on your running shoes and pound some pavement.”
Either way, I’ve decided to make a drastic change with my clothing. In the past, I based my clothing purchases on two things:
- it fit, and
- it was cheap.
I didn’t care whether it was my style, whether it flattered me, whether it made me feel good, or whether it boosted my confidence. If it fit, I was buying it, because I always had the misconception that it was hard to find clothes if you were plus size (I am currently a size 16. At my heaviest, I was a 24. At my lowest, a 10).
What I’ve come to discover very recently is that, SURPRISE! They actually DO make cute, stylish, and flattering clothing for plus size women. Lots and lots of it, in fact.
I have ruthlessly purged my closet down to bare bones and have removed every article of clothing that made me feel bad about myself, that I didn’t like, and that I didn’t find flattering. I’ve started rebuilding my wardrobe with only pieces that I enjoy and feel good about when I put on. I’ve come to discover my own style and particularly enjoy tunics, long shirts, and casual looks. Even though I’m “plus size,” I can still be fashionable — and I can still make my own rules when it comes to my personal style.
My entire life, I believed clothes just wouldn’t look good on me because of my body. I’ve HATED my body. But the truth is, I hate it less when it’s wearing clothes that I like.
This is news to me.
This is a groundbreaking, earth-shattering discovery, which seems kind of silly — but it’s true.
I’ve never been into clothes or fashion, and for the first time, I am.
No one ever told me I shouldn’t dress nicely. No one ever told me I COULDN’T dress nicely. I was the only one holding me back from feeling good about who I am and what I look like.
I used to think clothes just weren’t for me.
That certain styles were off-limits. That bright colors, bold prints, skinny jeans — those belonged to other bodies. Smaller ones.
But lately, I’ve been proving myself wrong.
I’ve started wearing what I actually like.
What feels like me.
Not what hides me.
I’ve learned that confidence doesn’t come after you look good.
Sometimes, it starts with what you wear.
And just because I’m still in a bigger body doesn’t mean I have to settle.
I don’t have to wait to lose weight to show up in the world.
I can take up space now — and look damn good doing it.
Before anyone thinks I’m giving up on my health or my goals: I’m not.
I still want to get back in better shape. But I used to chase that out of hate — out of self-loathing. Now I want it out of love. I love my body enough to want it to be healthy.
This imperfect, saggy, flabby body of mine carried me through a half-marathon. Then it carried and grew my beautiful, healthy son. It’s done a lot for me. I can’t hate it anymore.
Someday, I might be out of the plus-size category again. But deep down, I’ll always be a fat girl — because the struggle is lifelong. And while I’m working on my body, I’m going to be a fat girl who CAN and WILL.
I will dress this body in the way it deserves.
I can look good and stylish in the body I have now.
And I don’t need anyone’s damn permission but my own.
This is the body I have.
It’s been through hell and carried me home every time.
And I’m finally dressing it like it deserves to be seen.
No comments