When I was preparing to have Caleb, I was never really sold on the idea of breastfeeding.
What I mean is, I was NOT one of those moms who go into it all gung-ho. Like… at all. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I am the world’s worst hugger, because I am not a touchy feely person at all and it makes me feel all squeamish. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a try because of the immense pressure that is placed on women to breastfeed, both by doctors and society at large. I went and got all the requisite supplies — Boppy pillow, free breast pump from insurance, nursing pads — and was technically ready, but not really ready. Any time the doctors asked if I was planning breast or bottle, I reluctantly responded with breast.
Immediately after Caleb was born, he was placed on my chest and encouraged to nurse. It hurt immensely and didn’t feel natural or comfortable at all to me, but they sent in a lactation consultant at some point, and nurses too, to try and help. Again… the emphasis placed on breastfeeding is overwhelming and SO evident in any kind of medical setting. Instead of teaching me about various bottles and formulas as an option too, they pushed the nursing over and over. It was like I never had a choice.
I will note that Caleb had to be supplemented with formula in the hospital because he was jaundice. From what I understood, jaundice babies need to poop a lot and the formula was supposed to help. What they did was teach him to sip formula from a tiny medicine cup because they didn’t want him to get used to bottle nipples. That definitely made things harder for us and for him. While teaching him to use the medicine cup, they were also simultaneously teaching me “football” hold and manhandling my boobs while trying to get a proper latch. All of this within just 24 hours of his birth while I was exhausted, pained, and stressed. Talk about overwhelming.
So even though I struggled at the hospital, I went home and nursed for a couple of weeks. I cheered when my colostrum turned to milk, and I woke at all hours of the night to feed him, hating the pain the entire time and absolutely dreading each and every feeding. I literally would sit and cringe because the pain felt unbearable. I dreaded any time he became hungry and cried to eat, sometimes even crying myself.
It shouldn’t be that way. Feeding your child shouldn’t make you cry.
I finally made the decision to give it up a couple of weeks in and was extremely guilt-ridden about my choice. Again, this guilt was based solely on the pressure that is placed on new moms to breastfeed. You’re made to feel that you’re doing your child a disservice by feeding them any other way. I felt like the world’s worst mom that I couldn’t do it. To ease the guilt, I decided I’d pump instead so that he could still get breast milk. Then I became attached to that damn machine instead of those little suction-y lips. I couldn’t leave the house without rushing quickly back to pump, and had to carefully watch the clock. I still had to wake up in the night to pump, but hey, he was drinking the good stuff, right? So I lugged the thing around, looking for outlets in my house where I could plug in and feel like a milking cow.
Because I was dealing with Postpartum Depression, I finally said “enough is enough.” I had to. The stress of breastfeeding, and then of pumping, had taken its toll on my mental state. Caleb had already been supplementing with formula and had no issues taking it at all, so I finally threw in the towel and quit pumping, too. I’d say this occurred around 7-8 weeks into motherhood, and I immediately felt less stress. My body could relax and so much tension was gone instantly. Though I again felt some guilt over my decision, I knew it was the best thing I could do for myself and therefore, for my son. I didn’t need to be stressed out and crying all the time, and my son didn’t need a mom who was stressed out and crying all the time. Above all else, he needed a mentally healthy mom. This decision allowed me to BE that mentally healthy mom. A few weeks prior, my doctor had offered me an anti-depressant to help cope with my PPD, but I ultimately turned it down because I didn’t want it in Caleb’s breast milk. Now I could finally take the medication if I so chose, and I could take away the feeling of being chained to the breast pump. Things finally started to turn around in my motherhood journey right around this time.
I knew from the very beginning this time that I would NOT be breastfeeding baby number two. Period. No pumping, no lactation consultants at the hospital, none of that at all. I told my OB about my decision early on and he supported me fully. I even asked if they’d try and pressure or bully me at the hospital and he said they would not… if they did, he wanted to be made aware immediately. That means I’ll be going to the hospital and trusting that they will not pressure me about my decision, and that if they do, my doctor fully stands behind my decision and I won’t let it slide.
My baby, my body, my choice.
I know there are many great benefits to breastfeeding. I know maybe it wouldn’t hurt this time. I know it saves a lot of money. I know it’s a great way to bond with baby. These are all things I know, and I truly applaud all the breastfeeding mamas out there. I think it’s wonderful that you’re able to continue nourishing baby with your body, like we do when we’re pregnant. However, I also know that I am still nourishing my baby, regardless of whether it’s out of the boob or out of the bottle.
In the end, I support you 100% in how you choose to feed your baby. Breastfeeding is wonderful! Go you, nursing mamas! Bottle feeding is wonderful! Go you, formula mamas! What I personally like about bottle feeding is that it eliminates a lot of the stress and anxiety that I faced while I was trying to nurse. I am already going into this second time motherhood journey with less stress knowing that I’m not going to force myself into doing something I am entirely uncomfortable doing. Another great benefit about formula feeding is that he won’t rely solely on me to feed him. Family and friends can help, and heck, even Caleb can too if he so chooses! I suffer from migraines and lack of sleep is a major trigger for me. This means I won’t be the one who has to wake up to do all of his feedings. We can take turns. There are also a lot of great options with formula. When Caleb was exceptionally gassy, we were able to switch him to a sensitive formula and that really helped with the issue.
Does this make me sound selfish? Perhaps. Perhaps you think my child will suffer for my decision. Perhaps you’re thinking that I’m selfish for putting my own needs and my own body first, but I don’t see it that way. I see it as putting both myself AND my child first simultaneously. Looking in from the outside, you may not realize that breastfeeding and pumping enhanced my anxiety and depression tenfold; I’ve dealt with both issues all of my life, but never to the extent as I did right after I had Caleb. I felt very mentally unstable and unwell during the time that I breastfed and pumped. Even Caleb’s pediatrician agreed at that time that a mentally healthy mom was far more important than a breastfed babe. By making the decision to go straight to the bottle, I am ensuring a better mental state for myself, and therefore a better and more present mom for my son from day one. THIS is why and how he is still coming first, even if you think he isn’t.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to this: this is my body and no one else needs a say in what I choose to do with it. I am proud that I’m nourishing my baby right now while he’s inside growing, and I’m going to continue to nourish him after he arrives too… just with formula. It doesn’t mean I love him less. It means I respect myself and my body enough to know that it’s not something I want to do or can do if I want to keep my sanity intact… for myself and for my children.
Mind your own boobies and I’ll mind mine.
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