One bite, one battle, one day at a time
I’ve struggled with my weight for pretty much my entire life. If you know me, you already know this.
It was only recently, however, that I connected the dots and realized that I am an emotional eater. I started reflecting on the times in my life when I gained the most weight and quickly realized that they have always been tied to stressful, upsetting periods in my life.
Over the last few months, I found myself reaching for cookies and brownies again, pretty much nonstop. This wasn’t the occasional treat; it became a daily habit. Let me point out that I think it’s wonderful to enjoy food and indulge now and then, but I also recognized that I was overindulging. Sweets bring me joy, and they should! There’s a reason why chocolate is so delicious, right? Still, I knew I was crossing a line when my weight loss momentum from earlier in the year completely stalled, despite my regular workouts. It was clear: my eating habits were holding me back.
By July, I knew I had to reel it in. Jerry and I had a long talk about it and decided to reinstate our Saturday “cheat days.” The plan was to enjoy our favorite treats, but maintain a healthier routine for the rest of the week. It’s been tough, but so far, I’ve been successful, and the weight is starting to come off again.
But why did I start overeating in the first place? As I reflected more, I realized this started after I went back to work from maternity leave with Holden. Becoming a full-time working mom of two has been both wonderful and incredibly stressful, a huge adjustment. Cue the stress-eating, and my weapon of choice: sweets.
The other times I gained significant amounts of weight also occurred during particularly stressful times.
I gained about 100 pounds in college, taking me from just overweight to obese. While some of this can be linked to Prozac, I’d be blind not to acknowledge the bigger reason: stress. My first semester of college was miserable. I was homesick, lonely, and sad, spending most of my time in my dorm room. People from home sent lovely care packages to cheer me up, but they almost always included treats like mug cakes. This was when I first started using food for comfort. It was also when I started taking Prozac — a medication linked to weight gain. I later realized that when I started my first weight loss journey in 2012, I had quit the Prozac cold turkey, and I’ve never gone back.
I also gained weight during my pregnancy with Caleb, but I lost a good portion of it (though not all) in the months after giving birth. I wasn’t at my lowest weight, but I looked and felt good.
Then we tried again for another baby, and after experiencing an ectopic pregnancy, I started gaining weight once more. That period was devastating. From the time of that loss to finally getting pregnant with Holden — which took nearly a year — I gained about 25 pounds. I was grieving the loss of a baby I desperately wanted. Every time I saw someone announce a successful pregnancy, I was filled with envy. That year was hard, filled with negative pregnancy tests, frustration, and jealousy. And once again, emotional eating took its toll.
Which brings us to today. It wasn’t until recently that I fully realized I’m an emotional eater. Over the past few months, I’ve caught myself bingeing on sweets as I tried to adjust to life with two kids.
I can’t say that I have it all under control yet. Just last weekend, Jerry worked overtime both Saturday and Sunday, and I was completely worn out taking care of the boys by myself. On Sunday night, I caught myself eating cookies, even though I had just had my "cheat day" the day before. I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since. The guilt that comes with emotional eating is almost as bad as the act itself.
What I can say is that realizing what my problem is has been helpful. There are days when I give in, but there are many others where I remind myself that I am stronger than the food, the stress, and the emotions. There are days I turn to healthier coping mechanisms instead of food. Not every day is perfect, but I am taking it day by day and celebrating every time I overcome the urge, when I say “no” to the cookies that are calling my name.
I’ve heard that food addiction is especially difficult because, unlike other addictions, food is something we need to survive. But when do we cross the line from eating what we need to eating things we don’t? When do we go from eating to overeating? It’s a question I struggle with daily.
I don’t have all the answers, especially for my fellow emotional eaters. This is something I’m still working on every single day. All I can say is that taking it one bite, one meal, and one day at a time is what’s working for me right now. It’s okay to be proud of the small wins, like those streaks where I eat just a little bit better. Every day I handle my stress in healthier ways is a win.
And when I slip up? That’s okay too. I know I can stand up, dust myself off, and try again tomorrow.
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